Relentless

The words
“In a year things will be completely different”
have been ringing in my ears all these months.

In my lowest moments the timeline taunted me.
It forced upon me a deadline
to be changed, better somehow.
What if I wasn’t?
What if I was still broken in little pieces?
What would that say about me?

On better days I found hope in the idea of using it
as a place to stop
yet again
and reflect.

To understand my past year
you have to know how
I reached in and found motivation
in my two little loves
who were looking up at me
wide eyed
with curiosity and confusion
needing me to steer the ship
even if I didn’t know exactly which direction to go
even when I was acting like a drunken sailor slurring my words after another sleepless night.

I kept my eyes on them
never losing my focus
and
I am here now.

The basics are now back in place.
The easy things I took for granted like
sleeping and eating
running
writing
laughing
have all returned to me.

I don’t recommend having your life shattered
but if one year showed me anything about myself
it was to see
that I was bold enough to admit
how deep I was in the darkness
and that I simply could not keep going on as normal.

I had to be as selfish as possible.
For the first time ever
I was looking after my own welfare
as the only avenue
I was willing to take to save myself.

I fear that even writing this
makes it seem like I don’t fully comprehend
that worse things could have happened to me.
And yet I am convinced it is important to share
that even a common thing
such as a divorce
is so very misunderstood.

The messiness of it all and how it has rippling effects into every part of life
is so beyond comprehension for those who haven’t been through it.
How you must go on
the same way you would as if someone you loved had just died.
The world keeps on turning
and you just want to scream at the top of your lungs how nothing will ever be the same.
But, you can’t.
Your work is to just restlessly keep going.

If I had kept on being selfless
I would have never
ever
been here in this moment today.

I know the pausing, the focus on me
was what saved me.

Little by little
over cold winter mornings and soul-crushing nights
I filled up my cup with small, seemingly insignificant things that made me happy.

I did
follow my bliss
until one stale night in February
something shifted.

After six months of deprivation
deliriousness
I woke up
rested
after a full night’s sleep.

But also,
it began for me the type of waking up
where my senses weren’t so dull.
I felt more.
I allowed myself to feel
even if it was reckless of me.
The newer me
loves to risk it.
Just for the goddamn thrill of it all.

I can’t say for certain what’s next for me or what this next year will bring.
I do feel sturdier.
Centered.
Ready to handle all the ups and downs
that are sure to come.

I’m now better
though not perfect
at listening to my gut
or at least knowing when I’m actively ignoring it.
And so now
the work lies in following it
That beautiful intuition inside of me
to see where it leads.

I am far less controlled
by fear or the unknown.

I am confident about
who I am
and my ability to stand on my own.

I now know that it’s all these little gut checks
and gathering tiny bits of happiness
whenever you can
that keep you
on the path that was ready
waiting patiently
just for you.