Poetry
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Words left unsaid
If you could simply reach out and touch
all the words left unsaid
I’d implore you to gather them up as secret treasures.Take them home and sort them out.
If you do, I imagine you’d find the meaning of life splayed out neatly and concretely on your floor.
Among the words we never say, each of them carrying more weight than the fragments fumbling from our mouths, there’s profound beauty.
There’s also caution, fury, love, fear, tenderness—it’s all there.
The next time your body gives you its telltale signal of knowing far beyond what your mind can comprehend, that’s where you’ll find them
hanging like grapes on a vine.
Pay attention
gather them up
all the words left unsaid.
Pour over them.
Rearrange until all the pieces fit.
Then, and only then, will you come close to the secret of what it means to truly see another person. -
How to stay in the sun
“Strength in numbers,” they say.
Numbers are sometimes what I require.
An outstretched hand, a kind look, company.
Today I needed me…to be brave.
I peeked out from the shade of the cloud I’m sitting under—the one that follows me incessantly.
I let the sun graze my hands
just to see how it felt, but just for a few moments.
I was scared, shaking, yet I didn’t let it stop me.
I dared to try something new, guided by mystical magic
suddenly and inexplicably in my little world.
Here to stay
if I can just learn
how to stay put in the sun. -
Both
I made myself one promise back in early August and it was this: You must feel everything.
Under no circumstances would I allow myself to turn back into a stone.
I made this promise to me now and to my 18 year old self.I don’t read articles on how to get through a divorce. I simply wade through enormous trauma while the world goes on all around me.
What does divorce feel like, you might wonder? It feels like BOTH. I really hate both. I don’t like how the word sounds or writing it, and I really don’t like feeling it.
Now you might be imagining what I mean by both. Well, you’re in luck because I’ve got too many examples.
Both comes up when my best friend visits me for the weekend and in her presence I feel strong enough to know that I can get through this, but then when I see her bags packed next to my front doorway before her flight home I become needy and vulnerable and fall apart instantly. It feels like I can’t have nice things because I will just ruin them when they come to an end by crying uncontrollably.
Both arrives when I’m making bold and confident professional decisions in the face of inequity, standing up for myself, telling people what I need and deserve while I am also quietly so unsure of myself and questioning if I am making the right choices.
Both kicks my ass when I think about my future because I’m excited that I’ve finally landed on the path that was meant for me this entire time. I have lofty goals and passion and so many ideas and yet I also fall on the carpet crying at night because the present is so dark and murky.
Both finds me when I’m finally able to have some alone time without my kids. I love being alone and often prefer it. Being alone used to make me happy when I’d take a break from being a mom to go for a solo run, but now I’m plagued by the silence when they aren’t here. I used to like quiet, but now I can’t be in my home alone ever without music blasting. The thrill of alone time is gone because I’m too tired to enjoy it and being awake often feels like torture because I am so exhausted.
Both reminds me that I am dead and alive. I’m a zombie for having not slept for countless weeks. I’m also feeling things I haven’t felt for a long time. There are moments during the day when I really do feel alive.
Both forces me to help my kids feel stable while I silently fall apart.
Both is my friend and enemy, guiding me toward a place where I’m healthy and me again, but not cutting me any slack in the meantime.
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My representative
My real self lives at home and I send a representative to work.
My real self wanders around the front yard in dirty green puddle boots, eccentrically pulling out weeds by hand and day dreaming about its future as a grass-free zone, inviting in local pollinators and animals.
My representative shoves her feet into uncomfortable heeled shoes, business casual attire and gives off a I-have-it-together vibe.
She’s organized, thoughtful, careful about each and every interaction, motivated and kind. She is quite impressive when I see her. That’s why she’s my representative, she’s great with people.
My real self appears at the front door after my commute home, she’s exhausted from every interaction, the bright lights, the dumb shoes, the carefully crafted persona.
She sits in the bath in the dark where no one is popping in “just say hello”… for the most part. She has room in her heart for two beautiful babies, a perfect boy and a girl (in that order), curious about what’s behind the shower curtain. In that bath she reappears. Calmer and centered. And, I like her.
She’s sort of naturally gloomy on the inside, but that doesn’t stop her from experiencing the beauty that she’s collected and curated over the years.
She’s not sure her work and authentic self will ever truly mix together harmoniously as one, but for now, that’s ok. Maybe they just weren’t meant to be.
