X-ray vision

Last week at dinner as my ten year old son sat across the table from me, I noticed him studying my face—the way he does when he’s trying to figure me out. He was born wise and is a person who truly sees me. He’s like a super hero whose super power is x-ray vision of my soul. He’s supremely adept at seeing through the act I often put on for the world. When he’s with me, I don’t often feel like I’m conversing with a ten year old—he’s like being with an ageless and wise wizard. Don’t get me wrong, he still also very much acts his age, but the words that come out of his mouth never fail to astound me.

So it came as no surprise to me when, all at once, he opened his mouth, looked straight into my eyes and asked me if I am depressed. You know, the type of normal questions one might get from a fourth grader. I didn’t hesitate to tell him that I am depressed. The Joanna from a few years ago would have never dared to be so honest, but the mom that sits across from him now finally sees the value in sharing the truth.

He didn’t appear scared or worried when I said “yes”, just curious. He asked me questions about depression and how I’m feeling. It was a raw and open conversation and it’s been on my mind ever since.

I think it’s still with me because it occurs to me that perhaps I’m modeling for him what it looks like to be depressed and not only survive a period of depression, but how to begin crawling out of it.

He knows I’m doing yoga every day this month and the other night when I would have forgotten, he reminded me that I hadn’t done my class yet. He has seen me struggling to sleep for months and each morning he tells me what my “battery life” is. He pretends I’m a cell phone and when he sees my face, he’ll say “7 percent”. Today he said “50 percent” and it made my day because he’s watching my progress.

Rafe listens to me practicing the piano and is now very interested in doing the same exercises to learn alongside me. We didn’t need another thing to bond over, but I’m glad we’re adding another thing to our list.

I don’t know if he’ll see this period of time the same way I do. Time will tell. I do sometimes second guess myself and hope he’s not scared to see me this way. I’m hopeful that if we can keep being honest with each other, maybe one day when he’s an adult he’ll tell me he’s proud of how far I’ve come and how I showed him that it is okay to not always be okay.