My marriage is in a slow and excruciating path to hell.
I am in one of the lowest places of my life.
Yesterday I drove to New Hampshire to have a sleep over with my family. I need lots of breaks from my own house, a home currently dripping with negativity.
When I arrive I am greeted by two homes. One is an in-law apartment where my parents live and the other is my brother and sister-in-law’s home.
I never know which one to go into first so I often wait and see who opens their interior door first. Yesterday it was my mom. She’s peaceful. She is a very good listener. She feeds me a banana, makes me green tea and tells me to relax while she makes me dinner. I am hungry and finally eat a full meal with her by my side. She says she’s trying to fatten me up.
After dinner I join my brother, sister in law and my two nephews. I interrupt their watching of Kung Fu Panda with the chaos that lives in me. They all listen to me and are really with me around the kitchen table while I begin to cry over my divorce.
My nephews listen to me too. And, it’s hard for me to know that they know about the divorce. It makes it more real somehow.
And yet, instinctively they kick into high gear and know exactly what I need in this moment.
They begin sharing with me all of the wierdest and most hilarious photos they’ve taken of their own faces. I quickly realize this is something they do all the time. I feel their could be hundreds. Their phones are full of awkward photos they’ve taken of themselves. And why do they do it? It’s not for social media. It is simply to make themselves and others laugh their asses off. To me, it is an act of resistance against the idea of perfectionism. They are brilliant.
What happens to me for the next 30 minutes is what I now know is actual joy, a feeling I’ve avoided for years thinking I don’t deserve to feel it. As they show me these pictures my face begins to ache. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever experience in my life. I ask them to please always and forever text me whenever they take one.
A part of grieving for me has to be humor because I really did feel at peace after this intense laughter session.
Thanks, J and N. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.