Alba’s elementary school chooses to call her Halloween parade an Autumn Walk. Her teacher says it is Noche de Brujas.
I call it the first Halloween ever when I won’t go trick or treating with my kids.
I can’t quite stand the thought of doling out candy in my doorway, each little face reminding me of what I’m missing. I suspect you won’t find me at home tonight.
There were other opportunities to dress them up last week and this morning, and yet I still feel gloomy.
There’s magic in the dark streets this time of year: leaves crunching under hurried feet, flashlights leading the way toward the next house, my neighbor who revs his chainsaw to send the children screaming, the sound of disappointment when that one house looked as though there was someone at home, but there wasn’t, and precious seconds were wasted.
I want it all. The ups and downs. The thrill of the candy. The 8 p.m. meltdowns when it’s over. The sibling sorting and trading on the floor back at home. The impossibility of putting them to bed after all the excitement. The eating of all the Reese’s while they are snoozing.
I’m told I have sad eyes. They’ll ask me what I’m thinking, confused, impatient with my lack of response. I often don’t know until I write it down. What I’m realizing now as I’m typing is the beauty in allowing myself to be sad when I feel it.
Because it’s Halloween, I’ll call it the simple trick I learned over the past year. You don’t trick yourself into feeling positive by telling yourself, “It’s not that bad, cheer up”. You treat yourself to an outrageous heaping spoonful of kindness, reminding yourself you are just human and feeling is part of the experience.
Maybe it will get easier to miss these holidays, or maybe it won’t. That’s not for me to decide. I won’t be writing my future any longer. I learned my lesson from past mistakes. I used to paint beautiful futures for myself, thinking I could will them into existence, ignoring the current reality.
Now I choose to sit deeply in the present. I’m alert and waiting for what’s next for me.
I guess this was a long-winded way of saying, have a Halloween, whether it’s happy or not.