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Dreamer
My best friend says
I live in another time zone.
She’s right.
Except…
I often feel I’m farther away than that
dreaming in a different universe.
I jump in without considering the consequences.
Starting with an 8 mile run I haven’t trained for
straight past a no-alcohol allowed sign with a whiskey affixed to my fingers
through an icy lake
and into love as if it hasn’t shattered me before.I’m so tired of following the rules with
my writing
in life
and
in love.Because I see where playing it safe dropped me.
There’s poetry in my loneliest hour
when I can laugh at myself
for being a walking contradiction.
One minute I’m so sure of the decision I’ve just made
and a second later I am suddenly feeling more clueless than ever.
This often leaves me dazed.
But, I think that’s the nature of
the dreamer.
When I’m not quite here or there
I know that’s my heart being wildly impulsive
and taking me on another self-imposed fool’s errand
which I decidedly won’t question
until it’s over
when I am cursing my heart
and wishing I’d just use my brain.
And yet, over and over, I’d rather risk it
to see where my longing leads
even if it doesn’t make sense
to anyone else
or even
to me. -
To be seen
I was cleaning out the memory card on my Canon and came across a photo my daughter took just a few days ago. In that moment when I saw myself I realized how rare it is to see a picture of just me.
I’m not doing anything special, but the mere fact that she wanted to capture me in the moment made me feel seen.
It’s just me—raw and tired—at the end of the day. I’m putting my house back together. It is my nightly ritual.
It is the part of the day when I’m most exhausted and ready to give up. The end is in sight. We’ve done all of our adventuring and there’s just baths, books, pjs and teeth standing in the way of me and my couch. And silence.
I see myself and I realize I have a way of giving off calm even when I am completely overwhelmed. The timestamp on the photo is 6 p.m.—the exact time each night when my brain is exploding. I haven’t had a single moment to myself or even one unique thought.
This mundane picture made me realize how much everyone just wants to be truly seen.
But to be seen would take vulnerability and trusting others with our deepest selves.
I often wonder when I’ll be able to fully trust again and yet I know the answer to almost all of my questions is right in front of me.
The answer I’m finding lately is usually just time.
I loathe and find comfort in this answer because as impatient as I am, I also know how time has already healed me and will continue to do so.
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I don’t wish
I don’t wish to have a clear mind.
This week, I’d rather be distracted.
I can’t help but notice
when I dig in too deep
my hands come up filthy.
This week
I want to be shallow.
Barely skimming the surface
forgetting the roots
and
breaking away from the slog of self growth.I don’t wish to be wise
or thoughtful
deep or
trustworthy.
I’m tired from the excavation
I need a vacation
from myself.
Next week you’ll find me
back in the grind
of propelling myself forward.
But for now
I’m gonna have to go ahead and cancel last minute
on the plans I’ve made
to become a better creature than I was before.
