-
No good
I’m no good yet
at being the new me.
Strings from old spiderwebs
attach themselves
tangling up and slowing down
the forward motion.
The past
finds me
and reminds me
of the grooves of old patterns
meant to define me.
Where do I go from here?
How do I make sure to never abandon myself again?
I find I am often
simply alone
questioning every move I make
simply exhausted
from not quite knowing how to trust myself.
I briefly considered
spinning up
a happy ending
full of wisdom.
But, instead
I’d rather sit uncomfortably
in the reality of this feeling.
Staring it in the face
rather than
my pattern of
running from it. -
Arriving
I don’t know if I’m removed enough
or ever will be
to share
precisely how I got here today.
I sit in disbelief
remembering suddenly where I am
exactly eight months to the day
when my life became a rug
ripped out violently from underneath me.
Like the trick
where a tablecloth is yanked out
from underneath plates and cups
nothing shifting.
But it’s not a trick, is it?
It takes skill and practice
to master the art.
It takes planning.
A planned attack
on my senses
my soul
my entire being.
Every day forward was an impossibility
falling to my knees
scraping by
sleepless and
hopeless.
I was an imposter
showing up
hoping no one would notice
I was decaying.
I would see her in visions.
It was me
and she was OK.
I let her guide me
motivate me
to inch forward
until suddenly
I wasn’t so shattered anymore.
I came face to face with the version of me
who was waiting for
me
just to keep trying
and trying
to arrive.
