Vomit

Some of my blogs allude to pieces of my memoir though I’ve intentionally decided to not reveal anything major from my book. It is a far-fetched and real dream of mine to become an author. Not an author on the side, not an author with a full-time job, an author author. I’m actively working on the dream as we speak and don’t want to give too much away.

However, for the sake of today, I’ll share that my sister Cherene and I have a song. Well, we have several. But the only one she knew about was the Alanis Morissette song, “Hand in my pocket”. It’s kind of like when you are crushing on someone and a few songs suddenly and beautifully remind you of that person. This is my sister crush song because when we choreographed the moves to this song together, I began to love her even more than I already did, falling deeply into sister love.

This morning I played the song over and over again while I drank my coffee and ate my cereal before work. I pictured us together. I screamed the lyrics. I became so painfully aware that the lyrics of the song are a little too close to my blog piece “Both” and it gave me the chills. The foreshadowing hits me in the most intense way. It was so intense that I become lost in time and space, but return to here and now only to realize that I have a meeting in five minutes and I’m not even dressed.

I get up, run to my room, frantically throw a Zoom outfit together and while I’m getting dressed, I have a sudden urge to throw up. I didn’t feel sick at all, but I have to sprint to the bathroom. I vomit exactly once. The cereal I ate is gone. It is not painful. I feel fine. I am not sick. I know in my bones it was something else entirely.

Two nights ago I watched a documentary on ayahuasca. In it, they explain what happens to your body and mind after you drink it. The first phase is calm, the next is purging, the final stage is four hours of a hallucinogenic journey. 

I feel very convinced that I just purged something. I don’t know what it was, but it had to come out of me this morning. I hope it was a release of some of my past trauma because I’ve been carrying around a lot of it with me my entire life. If I can put down even a little, my life will be easier to live.

I started writing my second book on Sunday. I will not share the details, but the first chapter has a theme. And, when I ordered Whole Foods delivery yesterday, the paper bags had stickers on them with the exact name of the theme of chapter one. I keep saying I don’t believe in signs, but I am kind of thinking it’s bullshit. I am beginning for the first time ever to believe.