Magnet

I am reviewing our 42 page divorce agreement.

It begins innocently enough with a few gut-punching lines about where we got married, the ages of our children and their birthdays.

The first line mentions our anniversary date: Oct. 21, 2012.

Surely the agreement had to begin somehow, but why did it have to start with a happy memory? I received an anniversary card from today from a relative in California who hasn’t heard the news. Gut punch number two.

Gut punch number three: We’ll never make it two days from now to what would have been our 11 year wedding anniversary. Instead I am being mentally punted back to a time way before our marriage, way before I met him.

There’s something about visiting your parents’ house, tail between your legs as a single mom that feels fully like gut punch number four.

I’m being forced against my will to start over.

I can’t put my finger on what age I’ve been returned to, but the only age it could be before the trauma began in my life would be 17. I don’t feel 17.

I feel me at my age now with a striking sense of confidence and clarity, but I think I found my track back to my silly laughter from 17. Things I found funny as a teenager have returned. And I laugh more than I have during our entire marriage. I laugh at super inappropriate things at inappropriate times, just like teenage Joanna.

So, I am carrying this Frankensteined version of me, a weird mix of 17 and 38. She’s brave, confident, confused, sad and fun.

And this version of me is a magnet. Part of my magnet magic is that people are beautifully coming to my rescue in too many ways to count. They all, in their own ways, are able to lift me out of my darkness when I am in their presence. And because I’ve got so many people, I’m also hearing their beautiful hopes and dreams and stories.

I’m honored lately to be witness to people sharing their dark stories of past trauma with me and I am grateful to be a listening ear for the creative and out-of-the-box thinkers in my life sharing what makes them tick and how they are actively pursuing their goals.

You people are more beautiful than you realize. I see you. I think you are open to telling me because maybe you trust me a little extra now that I am baring my soul more now and it gives you permission to share yours.

I, of course, am grateful for everyone who has talked to me and continues to help me with my dark stuff.

But, I’m really loving this mix of 17 and 38 year old me that’s showing up right now and able to be witness to how incredible the people are that surround me.