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Pure joy
My marriage is in a slow and excruciating path to hell.
I am in one of the lowest places of my life.
Yesterday I drove to New Hampshire to have a sleep over with my family. I need lots of breaks from my own house, a home currently dripping with negativity.
When I arrive I am greeted by two homes. One is an in-law apartment where my parents live and the other is my brother and sister-in-law’s home.
I never know which one to go into first so I often wait and see who opens their interior door first. Yesterday it was my mom. She’s peaceful. She is a very good listener. She feeds me a banana, makes me green tea and tells me to relax while she makes me dinner. I am hungry and finally eat a full meal with her by my side. She says she’s trying to fatten me up.
After dinner I join my brother, sister in law and my two nephews. I interrupt their watching of Kung Fu Panda with the chaos that lives in me. They all listen to me and are really with me around the kitchen table while I begin to cry over my divorce.
My nephews listen to me too. And, it’s hard for me to know that they know about the divorce. It makes it more real somehow.
And yet, instinctively they kick into high gear and know exactly what I need in this moment.
They begin sharing with me all of the wierdest and most hilarious photos they’ve taken of their own faces. I quickly realize this is something they do all the time. I feel their could be hundreds. Their phones are full of awkward photos they’ve taken of themselves. And why do they do it? It’s not for social media. It is simply to make themselves and others laugh their asses off. To me, it is an act of resistance against the idea of perfectionism. They are brilliant.
What happens to me for the next 30 minutes is what I now know is actual joy, a feeling I’ve avoided for years thinking I don’t deserve to feel it. As they show me these pictures my face begins to ache. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever experience in my life. I ask them to please always and forever text me whenever they take one.
A part of grieving for me has to be humor because I really did feel at peace after this intense laughter session.
Thanks, J and N. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.
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A tale of two best friends and the shadow mermaid
I finished writing my first novel on Tuesday, September 26, 2023. I’ll always remember the date because it is the birthday eve of my very best friend. As a birthday present, I send her my novel. I want her to be the first one in the world to read it. She’s everything to me. I trust her more than anyone.
What I don’t know about that evening is that she will finish the entire book start to finish, causing her to miss her morning workout the next day. Around 9:25 p.m. she tells me she’s gonna stop reading, but she doesn’t want to.
I wake up with a text from her saying she’s read the entire thing in one sitting.
I am beyond honored. Truly, I don’t yet have the words to express my gratitude to her. One day I will.
For now, I can rest a little. The writing of this novel took me five years total and probably took a full five years off my life. Now I can take a break.
Last night I slept more hours than I have in the past 7 weeks. At 4.5 hours total, I feel awake for the first time.
I wake up around 4:30 a.m. and stare at my ceiling, my favorite pastime these days.
I’ve rearranged the furniture in room and so now the shadows appear different. It is a curious contiguous shape. At first I thought it was a pirate ship. Early this morning I realize it is a warrior mermaid.
She faces the door of my room, her tail is the shape of an arrow. Her wild hair sticks up straight then beautifully falls and flows down my wall. She’s wielding a bat in her hand, watching my door and waiting for a battle. I’ve found my shadow protector and now I’ll finally begin to sleep.
