When I received the Miss Manners award in fourth grade, it felt like the highest honor. The proud look on my parents’ faces for having raised me to win such an award made me feel as if I’d brought home a gold medal. There’s no doubt they had raised me to be a good person.
In my home growing up, I don’t remember us ever having a saying we lived by, like, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”, but the expectations were crystal clear. I noticed what parts of myself received praise, and what didn’t, and began to shape my personality accordingly.
I needed to be kind, polite and quiet. No disruptions. Be as small as you can. Above all, make others comfortable.
I’ve only just realized how much I’ve carried this with me into adulthood. On the surface there’s nothing wrong with being kind or polite or quiet. It has really become part of my identity because I’ve always wanted everyone to like me. And, truthfully, that’s been so easy when you are those three things. I can make friends with anyone.
But now I feel myself shifting. Kind above all else is not kind to me. When everyone else comes first, where does that leave me?
When I’m polite above all else, where is there room to speak the truth?
When I’m quiet above all else, I live inside myself and can’t share my life with anyone.
These questions keep bubbling up to the surface. I feel lately that I’m stepping away from how I once was and stepping into my power. It feels so freeing.
For example, this may sound nuts, but I’m finally letting my face rest. My entire life, my mouth has been permanently turned up into a smile because I needed everyone to feel comfortable around me. I needed to look the part of that kind person. It is only over the past year that I have allowed myself to look neutral. My face doesn’t have to be pleasant all the damn time.
I’m also finding my voice. I’m learning that I can be straightforward and that’s doing a service to people around me when I tell the truth.
I don’t really know what it is about being in your 30s, but I’m enjoying the great unlearning and undoing of parts of me that no longer serve me.